Friday, July 15, 2011

Why I Never Did Acid

There are various reasons why I never did hallucinogenics, but recently it dawned on me the trippy crap that was thrown in my face by various seemingly innocent films. So, I'm just going to take the easy way out and blame them. Below are my top 4 scary montages of freakiness for children:

4. All In The Golden Afternoon- Alice in Wonderland (1951)

Let's be honest, this is actually the tamest of the tame... mostly because the whole damn movie is freaky, but not as spectacularly freaky as the original book(jabberwocky, anyone?)... or frankly, Lewis Carroll. The fact that corporate Disney decided to adapt this book in the gee-golly 1950's is a feat in itself. Yet, there is something slightly disturbing about kissing feline flowers, toast butterflies, and roses that HAD to be the inspiration for Audrey 2.

3) Willy Wonka and the Wonderous Boat Ride- 1971

Scary, dark, spoiled brats, and Gene Wilder's hair! That damn chant he sings, not to mention I swear they cut the head off of a chicken in one of those crazy-ass background clips. I loved this movie, but even to this day I fast forward through this and that lame "Cheer Up Charlie" song that goes on 35 minutes too long.

2) Pink Elephants on Parade- Dumbo- 1941

Now we're getting into horror territory... there is no denying this freak show is scary biz. I don't even know where to start. That song. Mr. I'm made up of entirely angry elephant heads. The two elephants passing by each other only to be connect by their butts. Why were they showing kids this movie during WWII in the first place?! By the by this is definitely the scariest of the bunch, but Dumbo is such a sad movie, this terrifying night tremor is practically a release.

1) Heffalumps and Woozles- Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day- 1968

Let's be honest, did you really expect this out of Winnie the Pooh? I sure as hell didn't! The story is mild, Pooh bear is sweet, and their adventures are nowhere near this drug induced psychobabble. Right when the silly old bear goes floating into the ether, you know some freaky sights about to be had. More marching hyper color elephants?! WHY?! When those jump roping elephant and rat toys stop and stare at you... I damn near peed my pants.

Laughing Jack-in-the boxes... THE. WORST.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Nnekay vs. Daggers of Death: Pt. Two Electric Boogaloo

It was a face melting hot day.

Well not hot in the sense that New Orleans was an ever bucket of sweaty goop, but more in a weenie California- can't handle anything over 75 degrees- way.

Just look at Kail up there... all deflated and sprawled out. Her, me, and my boyfriend, Andrew were sweating it out.

Yet for some reason, I had this tiny little inkling of energy. Which I decided to use towards THROWING KNIVES!

So I went back to my slab of wood Andrew set up for me originally, and began tossing away, in the tomahawk sort of fashion a fine young chap on youtube taught me.

After completely scaring the ducks into a corner of the yard, I finally started making it close to my target:
But as you can see... not that close.

I started getting angry and wildly flailing my arms in the direction of the board:

The results angered me more, causing a wilder-beast to emerge from the deep dark sections of my being. I began lunging the knifes at the board:

Which, with increasing intensity started to land around the yard.

It was at that point, my brave boyfriend called, "Baby..." mind you this was from inside the house, "maybe you should move the board... looks like you might get it lost in the bushes." I replied, with a little bit of crazy in the eye,

"Nooooo, I know what I'm doing!" and continued throwing daggers around his backyard.

This one scared the crap out of me, but when throwing knives a little fear is good... so I considered it a win.

I threw one last knife, thinking this would be my ending shot filled with awesome- it promptly landed in the bushes.

A black hole of bushes if you will.

Feeling very badass from my knife throwing high, I dove head first into the depths. The further and darker I pushed through, a strong nervous tingle began to trickle down my spine.

Would if... there is a wild rat in here?

Would if... that rat is dead?

Would if... I find a dead bird?

Would if... I find a dead bird being eaten by a rat?!?!

While such thoughts were ran rampant through my mind, I stumbled upon something hard and scratchy. I flipped. Stumbling backwards to fall into the safety of the house.

To show how insane my imagination is, this is my boyfriend's cute and nowhere near rat infested garden (he built that fence himself!):
Later on, I watched the real badassness happen as he stoically chopped away ("I didn't like this bush anyway") with a giant hoe, to help find my knife.

Turns out, I was afraid of a small tree stump.