Wednesday, January 26, 2011
You know what's the worst?
A functioning cold.
You know, the one that hasn't quite got you knocked out... you can go on with your daily activities, but goddamn it, you feel like dog doo on a cracker.
Your head is woozy like you've spun yourself around a Sit n' Spin a few times, you nose is a leaky faucet, and you eyeballs can't seem to focus on not a damn thing... yet you have to be at work because:
1. You already took Monday off.
2. Your boss sent you home on Tuesday.
3. When you're at home, watching Oprah holler at some one, drinking tea- you feel somewhat normal.
Damn you functioning cold!!!!!!!!
And you bess believe I've been giving the side eye to all who have been sneezing in my presence.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Chicks Lookn' for Dick
Yea... crude, but it's true.. It seems like every time I turn around there's some movie were the chick is like, "hey I want some dick, but your sorry ass ain't getting a relationship." And the dude is all, "whatever." But in reality, he's longing for her sweet tender heart (complete with nougaty center). Let's not forget the guy friend who is all, "Schwing! Ooouga!Boooing!" and the girl friend who is all, "OMG!" while they walk fast somewhere holding coffee.
Even the press junket is the same: Lead Actress and Lead Actor talk about being nudie together for soooo many hours of shooting... isn't it sexy... isn't it silly... omg see the movie!
Name: Love, and Other Drugs
Press: Jake Gyllenhaal is sexy. Anne Hathaway is sexy. Everything about Love and Other Drugs‘ numerous trailers is sexy, and, aarrrrrghhh, I so am not. Fox 2000′s quest to make us all feel genetically inferior continues today with its release of a new red-brand trailer for the Nov. 24 romantic dramedy — directed by Edward Zwick — about a Viagra salesman-slash-ladies’ man (Gyllenhaal) who falls for the one woman not quick to fall for him (Hathaway).
oh yea... and this
This was one of the first in the sting of I'm a chick, and I'm lookn' for dick series and these fools were naked all the damn time, I'm surprised they didn't do the live press junket with their junk out (ha ha ha groan).
Name: No Strings Attached
Maybe they should call it 'No Clothes Attached.'
After a more or less innocuous, public audience trailer advertising what seemed like a run of the mill romantic comedy, Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman go risque in the new red band trailer for their new film, 'No Strings Attached.'
Portman and Kutcher play best friends that begin to sleep with each other... to predictable, yet potentially surprisingly funny results. One thing's for sure: those results are racy.This one seems like a hobo version of the previous, and they can't get too sex'd up during the press junket due to Natalie Portman's knocked up ass. Portman usually classes up a picture, but let's face it, whenever I see Kutcher I expect him to yell, "PUNK'D!!!!" giggle, then fall off a chair... he's 32 by the way.
Name: Friends With Benefits
Press: I don't even feel like finding press for this one because it's obviously the trash bag of the bunch.
So what does this all mean?!??! Should I be happy that they are giving women a less subserviant role in a romantic comedy. Should I be pissed that all three leading ladies are doe eye'd brunettes, and that minorities are still squashed to the sideline (hellllooo, Mindy Kaling and Ludacris are way cooler than Portman and Kutcher).
And can someone please tell Justin Timberlake to make some music and dance sexy instead of this acting business...
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
At 11 am, after rough librarian's meeting (no it wasn't about books, you smart asses)... I treated myself to a mini box of jujyfruit. Despite the fact that they manage to get caught in every hidden corner of my dental structure... I enjoy the "Chew Fruity Candy!" very much. So much, that I managed to scarf 5 mini boxes of the stuff yesterday between the hours of 2-3pm. This was my last box- I forced myself to save it, and thought that it would be the perfect pat on the back after talking about databases for 2 hours. I carefully broke open the yellow cardboard box and shook out it's content onto my desk. Three jujyfruits stared up at me.
Each box normally has at least 5-8... and these three just seemed pathetic in terms of what my bruised librarian soul needed at the moment. To add insult to injury, one of the three was a black licorice jujyfruit. The black licorice jujyfruit has never and will never make sense to me. Are they not called jujyFRUIT? Does the box not claim to be "Chewy Fruity Candy"?!?!?!? Last time I checked licorice was NOT a fruit. In fact, I'm not even sure what to classify it as... "disgusting flavor"? Does this random addition of licorice fall under the "jujy" portion of the name?!
Needless to say, I was mad. Now, the next portion of the story I have no explanation for, except maybe I was sleep deprived... possibly delirious from a long meeting... or just one of those weird moments you have when you are alone. I took the black licorice jujyfruit, pinched it with my thumb and pointer finger then placed it in my nose.
Immediately after placing this candy in my nostril I began to freak.
"Why did I do this?!"
"Oh God, it fits almost too well!!"
"Am I pushing it in further as I'm trying to get it out?!"
"How will I explain this to my boss, if it get stuck forever?!?!"
With one hard panicked snort, I launched the jujyfruit out of my nose, it bounced slightly on the desk. At that moment my boss entered my office, and plopped himself on the chair adjacent to mine. I shifted my eyes from the candy to his face as he complimented me on my maturity and poise during the Librarian meeting. I blushed slightly, said my thank you, and swiftly threw the jujyfruit into the trash bin under my desk.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I've entered my late twenties, this means people who orbit my circle of friends are within the late 20s to mid 30s bracket. This bracket should be called the "Let's Shack Up" Bracket. Seems like the world is either makn' babies or getn' hitched. It's extremely fascinating, to watch my once lone wolf friends slowly splinter off into their own family units.
I do all my watching through Facebook.
I have friends who have children, friends who are very pregnant, and friends who are adequately pregnant. Due to this, my news feed is cluttered with snotty children pictures, sticky mess face toddler pictures, wild eyeball baby pictures, and grainy ultra sounds. I sound grumpy, but I do enjoy these snippets of other people's lives. Yet, after while they all begin to vaguely look the same, because you know... babies are cute.
Now, the getn' hitched portion of these family makers is more interesting... Just today I perused through two separate weddings that my 'friends' (I use this term loosely) attended. One was some wooded nymph Renaissance ditty while the other was your soft focus vineyard affair. I'm not going to judge or compare- because the basics were there: happy bride & groom, drunken dancing, and flowers up in every nook and cranny. It's funny that after creeping through so many wildly different wedding on Facebook you notice a pattern: All of us out there just love to have a good time.
Things I do/ have done as a professional book slinger:
Talk to Bums
Throw out books
Answer mildly amusing questions
Answer mildly annoying questions
Kick people off internet porn
Stop teens from making out... then laugh at them
Stop grown ups from having sex... then feel dirty after
Teach people how to use a computer
Teach students how to research
Dance in the book stacks
Worn a bun
Things I have not done as a professional book slinger:
Dress sexy on purpose
Shake loose a bun at the end of a day
Bust my shirt open with a heaving bosom
Happily shush people
Worn orthopedic shoes
Read books on the job
Organize my own personal book shelf
Have sex in the book stacks (or anywhere else in the library... sheesh...gross)
Librarian do not, I repeat, do not look like this:
Sorry... but you're more likely to catch one of us wearing this:
Some of us wear this as some weird form of fashionable irony... but the majority don't...
There are several other "sexy" professions out there (fireman, nurse, etc.), but for some reason the librarian stereotype happily has one foot in Sex pot and the other steadily placed in Frump Face.
At least my career of choice is a fashion trend... even if the majority of us look like this.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
You know what I say to that?!
Screw you Computer Genius people... You've failed me.
technology is so dumb sometimes.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Where I found this photo:
I know, right?! What the hell is that? It looks like a giant bored guinea pig. I sent the picture to my bf and we each went on our own internet journeys with this image.
What I discovered: This humongous rodent who is so clearly over wearing a bandanna, looked familiar... I stared into it's large yet still beady eyeball, then it dawned on me: BILL PEET.
One of my favorite books when I was a kid was The Wump World:
An obvious Dr. Seuss rip off, but as a kid, I liked weird looking things that were vaguely cute... hence my love for this random book. Through further investigation, I found out that Bill Peet owned one of these freaky hamsters, called a Capybara (largest living rodent than can reach 232 lbs.-- yup it's man-rat) and was obviously the inspirations for Wumps and another of his called Capyboppy... which told the true story of the Peet's family pet.
I basically found out that one of my favorite childhood authors probably had something like this roaming through is house:
What the Bf discovered: Capybaras are on the list of Vatican approved meat to eat on Lent.