Double Strength Double Size

Every week or so, I treat myself to a Rockstar energy drink. I sip on the neon fizzy sauce until I'm so rev'd up I can hear my eyelids blink. When I pee- it comes out neon and fizzy, too. This makes me laugh because when I'm that jacked up, everything is awesome. 

I drink Rockstar, because it's the meat head older brother equivalent to Redbull. Its manufactured in Las Vegas for crying out loud. The can is so black and gold it looks like there should be a Jager shot included. When I sip on this drink, I get to indulge in my hidden yearning to be a douche, which is key, since by outward appearances I am a lazy Blipster Librarian.

Here are some more reasons why I drink Rockstar:

1. It taste so gross that I like to imagine I'm drinking booze, steroids, with a splash of cocaine.

2. I get so crazy- air punching is normal.

3. Everything I do at work seems like a Master Class with Sensei Nnekay

4. I like to imagine that it turns my insides BRIGHT GREEN- which it probably does... along with destroy the lining of my intestines.

5. Tea drinkers equate it to meth, and I like to freak out Tea Drinkers.

6. Their tag line: Double Strength/Double Size... is redundant and stupid- but when you add Double Fist, it makes it the best. 

7. Sometimes I like to drink it while I make eye contact with kids who are making a scene. It scares them more.

8. After finishing a can, I like to kick doors open instead of using the knob. 

Last but not least, I end up looking like this: