Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Rock Bottom

Everyone has moments when the bottom of the barrel has been completely scraped.

Sometimes it manifest in clothing:

"All my underwear is dirty, so I'm wearing bikini bottoms..."

Sometimes it manifest in television:

"I watched 5 hours of 'Say Yes to the Dress' last night..."

And sometimes it manifest in food, like it did for me two Saturday mornings ago. I woke up with a strong desire to eat cereal. I knew that I didn't have any, but I remembered Heather, my roommate did.

Step one: Steal food.

When I went to the kitchen and looked in the cabinet, I saw her bag of granola... I sighed, I was hoping for something better than granola, but it was all that was there, and I really wanted cereal.

Step two: Steal something lame like granola.

What I did know, was that I had Soy Milk... I went into my refrigerator, pulled out the blue carton and sniffed it. It smelled fine, but the expiration date told a whole different story. I figured this date was just something the company printed to protect their asses, but since it was a month expired I decided to do the pour test in the sink.


I had already added my granola to the bowl, and started to analyze my options. I didn't want to try to eat dry granola, thus shredding the roof of my mouth into a horror show of ripped flesh. I looked sadly at the water faucet, and turned my head away in disgust- how dare I even consider such an abysmal option.

Water-Granola is the saddest thing shy of a Rodeo Clown.

Then, like a lightning bolt from the heavens it dawned on me.

Step Three: Use Non Dairy powder creamer mixed with water as "milk"

As I shook the French Vanilla power over the cereal, a tiny little voice whispered, "you've hit rock bottom."

As I turned the faucet on and watched it bubble up through the chunks of granola and power, the voice clearly stated, "Wow, Nnekay, you've hit rock bottom."

As I mixed the glop into something the reminded me of what porridge must look like the voice sighed and said, "Are you really going to do it!?"

... and I did... I ate it.

It was... good-ish?

No comments:

Post a Comment