Sunday, February 6, 2011

Talent and Skill

Last night, I went to a cigar bar in the giant buzzing metropolis of San Francisco for a friend's surprise party. The place was swank, and booze and food was provided- which is always an extra special perk in my novel of life.

I had a good pocket of friends, but the majority of the party were unknown to me, so I reverted back to Middle School Nnekay and was flushed with an overwhelming sense of AWKWARD. With the nervous energy coursing through my lazily dressed veins, I drank a few beers and proceeded to shovel as much cheese and crackers into my face as possible.

I'm lactose intolerant.

Towards the end of the night my stomach was up in grumbles, I managed to ignore this fact until... I had to pee. A grumbly stomach is one thing, but a grumbly stomach in a public restroom is a whole 'nother batch of worms. I knew what I had to do, so I gathered my wit, and solemnly marched to the ladies room.

It was a tightly packed closet of a bathroom with two stalls and about 15 women jockeying for mirror space in front of the one sink. I squeezed through the bunch, and to my dismay could hear everything each woman was saying... meaning, they would hear the beautiful symphony my body was about to produce. Tabulating my grumbles, I knew this wouldn't be so horrible, I would only need to break wind...


Farting the ladies room, ain't easy.

In fact, controlling a pee-fart isn't easy in the first place... it takes a lot of talent and skill to manage those separate departments. I employed all my muscles (including a tightly squeezed face) to hold in my gas while while emptying the content of my bladder. Once done, I waited like a bathroom ninja, for a loud mouth woman to proclaim something stupid. Just like clock work, I heard a deep breath then a woman shriek "OH--" I seized the opportunity and a released a low rumbling,

"fffffffffffffffffphhhh..." under her loud ridiculous proclamation of,

"MY GOD THAT SPARKLE TOP IS TOO CUTE!!!" Quickly I flushed the toilet, let a couple more out during the wooshing noise... and proceeded to coolly wash my hands and exit.

I'm a little bummed I can't put this talent on my resume.